Butterflies

Tom was 21, finally. Lee, 23, woke up at 7pm and walked sleepily to the bathroom. He thought to himself, "I don't have to meet Tom for an hour yet," while looking in the mirror. He needed to shave. Lee hated shaving but felt self conscious whenever he didn't. He went into the bedroom and laid on his stomach. He opened his Macbook with one hand and rubbed his eyes with the other. He loaded a picture of himself in Photoshop and pasted mustaches onto his face. They looked good on the celebrities who wore them, but they didn't look good on Lee. He closed the laptop, went into the bathroom and shaved.

​ Lee played "Tonight" by Iggy Pop on repeat while getting dressed. He spent the first two repetitions deciding between a leather jacket and a denim jacket. He chose the denim jacket and went to the corner and bought a pack of cigarettes and withdrew forty dollars from the ATM. He smoked while walking to the subway and he smoked while walking from the subway to the bar. 

Tom was in the back room, drunk and wearing a jacket and tie. He grinned when he saw Lee and gave him a hug. Lee smiled at the others, went to the bar and got three beers. He set one in front of Tom and sat down across from him, arranging the remaining beers next to each of his hands. Lee considered both glasses and decided to drink the left hand beer first. Tom sipped happily from his beer. Lee raised his glass and drank. 

It took two and a half beers before Max, 25, looked at him from across the table.

"Did you see the Knicks game last night?"

"Yeah," Lee said, "but I wasn't paying too much attention by the fourth quarter."

Lee didn't know Max very well, but they got along whenever they saw each other. They usually talked about basketball. Max was with his new girlfriend Joan, 22. Max was talking but Lee felt distracted, staring at Joan's brown hair. He thought that she looked like the actress Sherilyn Fenn. He had a crush on Sherilyn Fenn when he was 17. Lee didn't want to talk about the Knicks. Joan met his eyes.

 

"Hey. Lee, right? Lee, what do you call an exploding ape?"

 

Lee made an effort to not break eye contact. He didn't know if he should guess what one calls an exploding ape. He thought it might come out wrong.

 

"I don't know," Lee said, "What do you call an exploding ape?"

 

Joan bit her lip theatrically.

 

"A baboom!"

Joan laughed. Lee laughed. Tom laughed. Max smiled and kissed her on the shoulder. Lee swirled his glass around and pulled his phone out of his pocket. No one had tried calling. Tom said that he had some cocaine and they decided to go to a bar with a bigger bathroom.

 

 

Joan, Max, Lee and Tom were almost an entire block ahead of the rest of the party. Tom said the rest of the party were "like a big, dumb amoeba," which made Joan laugh. They quickly crossed town, settling into a piano bar that Tom had been to before. Tom told a long, involved joke involving a man in a bar, a magical canary and a blind rat. Lee watched the line of Joan's neck when she laughed. Max sat down and they all listened to Tom tell jokes. Lee and Max finished their drinks and went outside for a cigarette.

 

"Joan seems cool," Lee said.

 

"Yeah. She's pretty cool. But, you know, I'm not ready for a real relationship," Max said, stressing the words "ready" and "real" in a manner meant to convey deep meaning.

 

Lee nodded quickly. He thought to himself, "Stop nodding so fucking quickly." He stopped.

 

"I get that," Lee said.

 

Max shrugged. They threw their cigarettes into the street. They watched the embers fizzle and went back inside. 

 

Joan and Tom were in a group of people singing "Surrey With The Fringe on Top" from the musical "Oklahoma!". Max bought two shots of whiskey, one for himself and one for Lee. They drank and Lee went to the bathroom. He put a hand on the wall behind the urinal to steady himself. He thought to himself, "It is hilarious that pee is gold," and started laughing audibly. The man at the next urinal looked nervous. 

Lee successfully walked in a straight line to the bar and sat next to Joan. She was drumming all ten fingers on the bar. The bartender hadn't noticed her yet. She looked at Lee and smiled. Joan put her hand on his back and he tried not to look around. He felt reasonably certain that Max was not nearby. The bartender looked lost in thought. Lee suggested that they go outside for a cigarette. They sat on a bench outside the bar and lit cigarettes. They sat in silence for a while.

 

"Lee...can I tell you something?" Joan said.

 

Lee nodded gravely. "Anything," he said.

 

"When I was fourteen I fell in love for the first time. At least, I really thought I was in love. You know, I wrote this guy's name all over my notebooks. You ever do that? His name written all over all my shit. I met him on Myspace," Joan said, laughing. 

Her cigarette had gone out and Lee handed her a lighter. The light from the flame was orange and Lee thought it made her eyes look a funny color.

"We used to email, all the time. He would send me these funny things that he made in MS Paint. I went to go see his band and I stood in front. It was the first time I'd seen him in real life and he looked fucking great. I was kind of dancing, but bad, bad dancing, I was exhausted from staring at him. After, I went right up to him and kissed him. I just did it, you know? It seems funny now. He kissed back, it was nice. We stared at each other and kept saying 'Hi' over and over again, kissing and saying 'Hi'. It was one of the most exciting nights of my life. I went home and I had this really nice email from him. He said he wanted to write me a letter, a real one. So I gave him my address. A couple days later I got this letter from him, in this white envelope that he had drawn all over. I opened the envelope but I couldn't get the letter out, like, the envelope was too fucking small or something, so I turned the envelope over and I shook it and all this black shit fell out. All this weird black shit. I shook some more and these two butterfly wings fell out. These two perfect orange and black butterfly wings. The letter was about how he found this butterfly and trapped it in a jar. He kept it in the jar until it died and then he put it in the envelope. He fucking killed this butterfly! As soon as I read that I fell out of love with him. I never spoke to him again, really. I got new notebooks."

 

After a few seconds passed Joan looked at him.

"It was so nice meeting you tonight," Joan said.

 

"It has been really nice. It has really been very nice," Lee said.

 

Joan said, "If things were different, it would be different. It might be nice, you know?"

 

Lee nodded. He felt something dancing in his stomach. 

 

He said, "I have to get up early, so I had better head home." 

Lee kissed her on the cheek. Her cheek was warm. She nodded, maintaining a neutral facial expression. He went inside and paid his tab. He found Max and said goodbye. Lee sent Tom a text message while he waited for a cab.

 

 

The day after Tom's birthday, Lee added Joan on Facebook, but he only looked through her profile pictures twice. He didn't look through the other pictures she was tagged in at all. Lee considered this a massive personal victory. After a few weeks, the urge to look had almost disappeared completely.

In November, Lee started dating Claire, 24. Their relationship consisted almost entirely of smoking marijuana and watching Netflix at one of their apartments, or getting drunk and talking quickly in whichever bar looked cheapest. Lee could never remember exactly what it was they had talked about, but they had similar taste in music, books and movies, and enjoyed going out equally. Lee felt happy about his relationship with Claire. He could easily envision spending the next year in a serious relationship with her, if not longer.

In February, Lee ran into Max in a bookstore. It was the first time they had seen each other since Tom's birthday party in September, and they were both happy to see each other. They walked three blocks to a bar they both liked. 

After talking about basketball for an hour, Max mentioned that he had heard about Claire, via Facebook. Lee talked about Claire enthusiastically. He described her as "beautiful, smart, funny, cool." He sipped his beer and asked if Max was still seeing Joan.

 

"Yeah, she actually just moved in with me," Max said. "You guys should come over for dinner on Wednesday. I want to meet Claire, I'm sure Joan would like to see you guys. Joan thinks you're really cool. She said so after Tom's birthday, and a couple of other times too."

"That sounds fun, yeah," Lee said. "It would be nice to have other couple friends. I think Joan and Claire would really get along, too. Shit, yeah, that sounds good."

 

Max grinned. "We can play board games or some shit."

 

The bartender brought the drinks and the men kept talking. Lee texted Claire, asking if she was free for dinner "with some friends" on Wednesday. He noticed his iPhone was almost out of battery and sent Claire a text message that said "my phone is about to die, i'll see you later, am going to be out late, catching up with my friend max". Then he turned off his phone.

Lee found himself wondering why he didn't see Max more often. He thought that Max was his closest friend, and announced this to Max five times, increasing in volume and sincerity with each repetition.

At 4am, Lee walked back to his apartment, listening to "Sam Cooke At The Copa" through headphones. Claire was staying with him while her apartment in Brooklyn was being fumigated. Lee looked forward to climbing into his bed and spooning with her. He felt as though the combined geometry of their bodies was uniquely appropriate for spooning. He found himself grinning wildly as he climbed the stairs, two steps at a time, humming.

Lee found Claire sitting in a chair by the window, smoking a cigarette and drinking a can of beer. She looked at him nervously. She was wearing two sweaters.

 

"Hi baby," Lee said drunkenly, "You're still up?" 

 

He moved towards her, grinning broadly, arms extended.

 

"Hey. Lee, um..."

 

Lee felt the light suck back into the lamps. "What's wrong," he asked.

 

Claire said, "This isn't working. Right? You know it isn't working, right? Am I crazy? I feel crazy, Lee, I feel insane. I just...I can't do this. Lee. I can't fucking do this. This is making me feel fucking insane, Lee, can't you tell?"

 

There was more, but the words didn't seem like English. He looked around and realized all of the things she had been keeping in his apartment were in the suitcase at her feet. Lee noticed that her coat was there, next to her tiny feet and her tiny suitcase. He lit a cigarette and sat down. Lee imagined his body becoming as tiny as he felt. He imagined being tiny enough to climb into her suitcase.

 

Claire said, "Do you have anything to say?"

 

Lee realized that he did not have anything to say. He shook his head. Claire shook her head. She put on her coat and picked up her suitcase. She finished her beer in one long sip. She put out her cigarette. She pointed at the table. Her set of keys were sitting there, next to a six pack of Budweiser in a plastic bag. Lee imagined Claire buying the beer for him and started laughing. He couldn't help it.